The blog is about to be back. Had to take care of some unforeseen business, now I have a little time to tell the true stories of your favorite strip club customer.
Last week my neck had an uncomfortable feeling in it. Not a pain, just discomfort. I get this from time to time and it all started a few years ago from a visit to a strip club in Detroit.
I went to meet a friend up at the club during the day time hours. It wasn’t that many customers in there, nor was there too many dancers. It was a good spot for us because my friend wanted to talk a little bit of business. While we are talking one very attractive dancer comes up to my friend and greets him like they are old pals, which they were. He cracks a few jokes with her and gets a BUNCH of dances at the table. The other dancers see him getting dances so they all run towards me, thinking I might buy a few dances. The fastest dancer out of the bunch to make it to me first had to be the most annoying of all dancers I’ve ever met. She was popping gum in my ear while she was talking, had terrible stripper conversation (she kept asking me how I was doing after I told her "fine" for the eleventh time), she had low self esteem (asking me what type of woman do I like and do I like her type? she looked like an ant with boobs.....a cute ant...but an ant none the less), last she was rubbing my neck in the worst way possible!
I don’t mind dancers touching me, or rubbing me for that matter, but please don’t touch my neck! She rubbed it like she had the 50lbs of torque pressure gorilla kung fu grip attached to her wrist. I tried to be nice at first by saying, "thanks for the neck rub but no thanks" but she then insisted to rub harder and ask, "how do you like it now?" I tell her "Please stop" she then goes even more nuts on my neck and is like, "I KNOW YOU LOVE THIS!!". I then said, "please, just fucking stop!", she went in for one more try stating, "Im sorry, I know what I was doing wrong, here it is" That’s when she was deep in my neck, motioning back and forth with her hard ass hands until I stood up and said, "Heres $10, please get the fuck away from me, fuck it heres $20 give that old man over there a dance!" She looked at me PISSED and got the bouncer. The bouncer was cool cause he had seen everything go down. I told the bouncer, "I paid her $20 to give that old guy over there a dance. She either gives him or someone BESIDES me a dance or give me my money back." I guess I said that part just to be a dick because my neck was so irritated at this point. Its hard to be nice when your necks fucked up. The bouncer looked at the dancer and said I was correct. She then proceeds to walk over to the old man, the old man sees her coming and stands up and says, (I kid you not, he says this)....he says, "Girl you fucked up my neck last week, I told your ass to never come by me again!" She then went to the back with my twenty. The old man looked at me and said, "If she messed up your neck that bad, why in the hell would you send her over to me to mess up mine?" He had a point. I bought him a beer and we all laughed about it at the table. She literally was a pain in the neck.
Moral to this story is.........in the word of the great poetic conglomerate known as the Wu Tang Clan "Protect ya neck!"
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Stacks in the Face/ Pole Dance Hero
I went to go see a D.J. friend of mine the other night, he Deejays at a (you guessed it!) STRIP CLUB. I was in the club less than 5 minutes. While there, I see a table of "BALLERS" making it "RAIN" on a couple of girls. One guy takes the wrap off his hundred stack, throws it in the air and it rains money. The next guy takes the wrap off his stack and makes it rain too. The third guy FORGOT to take the wrap off of his stack and threw it at his girl and the stack of wrapped money busted her in the face! She must have been new to those stilettos cause she got off balance and wobbled down to the ground. The funniest part was after the stack busted her in the face she was still trying to catch it while she was falling. The second she hit the ground the first thing she did was jump on that stack like a fumbled football. The entire place was laughing even the stripper. I laughed at that shit all the way home.
Because this weeks story was so short (it just happened so I had to post it), I've provided a link to Adult Swims online game POLE DANCE HERO! I hope you enjoy as much as me. The beats on there are pretty nice. I think I hear a little MC Chris on one of them. Below is a youtube demo of one of the songs and a youtube demo of how to play, then the link to the game.
http://games.adultswim.com/pole-dance-hero-twitchy-online-game.html
Because this weeks story was so short (it just happened so I had to post it), I've provided a link to Adult Swims online game POLE DANCE HERO! I hope you enjoy as much as me. The beats on there are pretty nice. I think I hear a little MC Chris on one of them. Below is a youtube demo of one of the songs and a youtube demo of how to play, then the link to the game.
http://games.adultswim.com/pole-dance-hero-twitchy-online-game.html
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Kicking it in Connecticut
When I lived in Connecticut, I wasn’t the biggest fan of the strip club scene. I’d go every now and then but for some reason never became a “Fan”. What can I say, some strip club states are better than others.
When my friend Mark came to visit from Detroit he wanted to go to the Strip club. He loves them! So I reluctantly go. He’s married with kids, he’s on vacation to see me, as a friend I feel obligated to take him to the spots he wants to go to. I give him the choice of Upscale strip club or Dive, he chooses Upscale (don’t worry; I have enough stories about the dives).
We get to the club and sit at the stage. I hate sitting at the stage. Everyone can see what you are doing. There is too much attention on you when you sit at the stage. Sitting at the stage is for frat boys and old men. It was a slow night, so I didn’t mind plus Mark is 6’10” so no matter where he sits he gets attention. So to him it doesn’t matter.
At the stage we are tipping, having a good time. Then one stripper comes on stage. She’s Tall and slender with some big ol beautiful firm fake titties (sorry for the immature description, but it is what it is). She looked like an airbrushed playboy model. She had the expensive high quality thick clear heeled stilettos on too (strippers know what I’m talking about).
She walked on stage, looked at my friend, grabbed the pole, jumped up and “attempted” to do a 720 degree pole spin. I say “attempted” because at about the 610 degree mark her hands slip off the pole and she goes flying into the air. Then “BAM!” she accidentally kicks the living shit out of Mark in the face with her high quality strong built clear stiletto heel! It looked like some shit out of a chuck Norris movie. My friend falls to the ground with blood gushing from his face! The stripper is okay and apologizing almost in tears (faking I think). ME, Im LOLOLOLOLOLOL while asking if he is okay. Im laughing with concern while saying, “He’s cut Mick!”.
Mark’s like, “Im okay everyone”, the barmaid and myself are like, “NO YOU NOT! Sheeiiit!”, He has blood on his face, I have blood in my drink and the dancer has blood on her shoe (and no its not from that time of the month either). The manager and owner come over with paper towels, alcohol, bandage wrap, big ass band aids and vodka (yes, vodka). My friend was okay, he just got kicked above the eye, it was a very little gash but for some reason that little gash was bleeding pretty tough. He put the big ass band aid and wrap on it, he looked like a dork but he was okay and that’s what mattered.
The owner felt bad and said everything was on him for the rest of the night. When he said EVERYTHING, he meant EVERYTHING. I know he thought we would pick free lapdances or something silly like that, but uh uh, we both pointed at the Johnny Walker Blue Label at the top of the shelf. The owner said, “Ef it!” Then Mark, the owner and myself indulged in some very fine scotch…….along with a few of the beautiful ladies.
At the beginning of the night I hated CT strip clubs…..at the end, because my friend got molly whopped in the face by a strippers clear heeled stiletto, that club has become one of my favorites. VIP access kicks ass!
Take care and take heed
When my friend Mark came to visit from Detroit he wanted to go to the Strip club. He loves them! So I reluctantly go. He’s married with kids, he’s on vacation to see me, as a friend I feel obligated to take him to the spots he wants to go to. I give him the choice of Upscale strip club or Dive, he chooses Upscale (don’t worry; I have enough stories about the dives).
We get to the club and sit at the stage. I hate sitting at the stage. Everyone can see what you are doing. There is too much attention on you when you sit at the stage. Sitting at the stage is for frat boys and old men. It was a slow night, so I didn’t mind plus Mark is 6’10” so no matter where he sits he gets attention. So to him it doesn’t matter.
At the stage we are tipping, having a good time. Then one stripper comes on stage. She’s Tall and slender with some big ol beautiful firm fake titties (sorry for the immature description, but it is what it is). She looked like an airbrushed playboy model. She had the expensive high quality thick clear heeled stilettos on too (strippers know what I’m talking about).
She walked on stage, looked at my friend, grabbed the pole, jumped up and “attempted” to do a 720 degree pole spin. I say “attempted” because at about the 610 degree mark her hands slip off the pole and she goes flying into the air. Then “BAM!” she accidentally kicks the living shit out of Mark in the face with her high quality strong built clear stiletto heel! It looked like some shit out of a chuck Norris movie. My friend falls to the ground with blood gushing from his face! The stripper is okay and apologizing almost in tears (faking I think). ME, Im LOLOLOLOLOLOL while asking if he is okay. Im laughing with concern while saying, “He’s cut Mick!”.
Mark’s like, “Im okay everyone”, the barmaid and myself are like, “NO YOU NOT! Sheeiiit!”, He has blood on his face, I have blood in my drink and the dancer has blood on her shoe (and no its not from that time of the month either). The manager and owner come over with paper towels, alcohol, bandage wrap, big ass band aids and vodka (yes, vodka). My friend was okay, he just got kicked above the eye, it was a very little gash but for some reason that little gash was bleeding pretty tough. He put the big ass band aid and wrap on it, he looked like a dork but he was okay and that’s what mattered.
The owner felt bad and said everything was on him for the rest of the night. When he said EVERYTHING, he meant EVERYTHING. I know he thought we would pick free lapdances or something silly like that, but uh uh, we both pointed at the Johnny Walker Blue Label at the top of the shelf. The owner said, “Ef it!” Then Mark, the owner and myself indulged in some very fine scotch…….along with a few of the beautiful ladies.
At the beginning of the night I hated CT strip clubs…..at the end, because my friend got molly whopped in the face by a strippers clear heeled stiletto, that club has become one of my favorites. VIP access kicks ass!
Take care and take heed
Thursday, January 14, 2010
N.C. Tar Heel
At times bachelor parties are just as great as strip clubs. Especially the ones that aren’t at strip clubs. Then again, sometimes they can be a bust and you wish you had just taken the bachelor to the strip club in the first place. This story is about one of the better bachelor parties I’ve been to. Not one that I threw, but one that I attended in North Carolina.
While on a trip to N.C. I ran into an old friend of mine who stated he was throwing a bachelor party. We’ll call my old friend, Mike. I told Mike I’d come because it looked like Mike was very excited about this function he put together. I mean, damn, Mike was more excited than the actual bachelor. That evening I get there, and Mike "did good". It was in a gigantic hotel suite with 3 different rooms. The dancers were all 8,9 and 10’s. Just all types of fine (which is hard to do for a bachelor party). Im talking perfect asses (of all sizes) and perfect titties (of all sizes) shaking and bouncing everywhere. Everyone was happy :0)
Then came time for “the show”. "The show" is when a dancer or couple dancers do a special presentation for just the bachelor. This show was different; it was just one girl doing the presentation. It was an athletically built voluptuous young lady doing the honors. If I remember, her name was Sandy.
To start the show, Sandy told the bachelor to take off his shoe. He took of his shoe. She then put a condom on his foot (yes, a condom). She then lubed the condom with about two packs of K-Y Jelly. Next she proceeded to put the lubed condom foot into her…uhhh..as Oprah and Gayle would say…her va jay jay (vagina, xbox, vertical smile, pussy, whatever). As she is very very slowly putting the toe part inside of her, the bachelor leans over to get a better look. When he leans, he falls off the chair. While falling off the chair he accidentally shoves his entire foot up her twat! You hear him say, “ohhh shit!” and you hear her yell, “UHGGUGHGUGHGUGHGUGGHG!”. She then pulls the foot out her pussy and runs to the back room holding her stomach as if she just got sucker punched in the gut.
Me being nosey ol’ me, I go to the back room to see if she is okay. She says in her N.C. accent voice, “Yeah, I’m cool, I just didn’t expect all that foot pushed up in me at one time.” She lets me know she feels okay and is disappointed she couldn’t finish her routine. I’m like, “what routine is that?” Then one of the strippers who was comforting her handed her four pool cue balls. She then inserted them inside her and shot each one out like the skee ball machine at chuckie cheese. I said, “DAMN! At least we know he didn’t break your pussy!”
When I left, I was happy to know the strippers pussy wasn’t busted, but I couldn’t help but wonder how the bachelors foot was doing. Needless to say Mike feels he’s thrown the best Bachelor party ever.......well that was until he came to the one I threw. Details to come. Lol.
Take heed and take care
While on a trip to N.C. I ran into an old friend of mine who stated he was throwing a bachelor party. We’ll call my old friend, Mike. I told Mike I’d come because it looked like Mike was very excited about this function he put together. I mean, damn, Mike was more excited than the actual bachelor. That evening I get there, and Mike "did good". It was in a gigantic hotel suite with 3 different rooms. The dancers were all 8,9 and 10’s. Just all types of fine (which is hard to do for a bachelor party). Im talking perfect asses (of all sizes) and perfect titties (of all sizes) shaking and bouncing everywhere. Everyone was happy :0)
Then came time for “the show”. "The show" is when a dancer or couple dancers do a special presentation for just the bachelor. This show was different; it was just one girl doing the presentation. It was an athletically built voluptuous young lady doing the honors. If I remember, her name was Sandy.
To start the show, Sandy told the bachelor to take off his shoe. He took of his shoe. She then put a condom on his foot (yes, a condom). She then lubed the condom with about two packs of K-Y Jelly. Next she proceeded to put the lubed condom foot into her…uhhh..as Oprah and Gayle would say…her va jay jay (vagina, xbox, vertical smile, pussy, whatever). As she is very very slowly putting the toe part inside of her, the bachelor leans over to get a better look. When he leans, he falls off the chair. While falling off the chair he accidentally shoves his entire foot up her twat! You hear him say, “ohhh shit!” and you hear her yell, “UHGGUGHGUGHGUGHGUGGHG!”. She then pulls the foot out her pussy and runs to the back room holding her stomach as if she just got sucker punched in the gut.
Me being nosey ol’ me, I go to the back room to see if she is okay. She says in her N.C. accent voice, “Yeah, I’m cool, I just didn’t expect all that foot pushed up in me at one time.” She lets me know she feels okay and is disappointed she couldn’t finish her routine. I’m like, “what routine is that?” Then one of the strippers who was comforting her handed her four pool cue balls. She then inserted them inside her and shot each one out like the skee ball machine at chuckie cheese. I said, “DAMN! At least we know he didn’t break your pussy!”
When I left, I was happy to know the strippers pussy wasn’t busted, but I couldn’t help but wonder how the bachelors foot was doing. Needless to say Mike feels he’s thrown the best Bachelor party ever.......well that was until he came to the one I threw. Details to come. Lol.
Take heed and take care
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Walk of Shame
The walk of shame unfortunately happens in strip clubs everyday across America. This is where the customer gets too excited during a lapdance and bust (cums, releases, jacks, jizzes) all over himself, leaving a wet residue stain on his pants, which is easily noticeable by the other customers. Yes, sounds gross or nasty, but the unfortunate part is when the customer has to walk from point A to point B in the club with the stain of shame exposed to everyone. You better believe, it’s noticeable and very laughable. This post is dedicated to you quick draw Mcgraw shooters! Ive always wondered what the dancers thought of this. Here are a few types of people who handle this dilemma differently.
1. The Proud Buster aka Mr. Gotel
He feels as though he has gotten his monies worth when he bust. He proudly displays the stain as if he has gotten over on the club. Then Go tells everyone he knows Like, “don’t tell anyone but I busted” or “look at me, Im satisfied and can go home now!”
2. The Lean with it Rock with it
This customer leans over when he walks after the bust. He leans in order to have his untucked shirt cover the stain. Usually you’ll look at him and think he has a back problem, until you realize he has jiz juice on his pants
3. The Pocketer
This person puts their hands in their pockets while they walk hoping to scrunch the stain out of existence. The problem is, you look like an 8 year old kid trying to hold his piss in, plus it just doesn’t work. You end up looking like rainman with a stain man.
4. The Cover up
This guy buys a drink and carries it in front of the stain for the rest of the night. Good in theory, but in reality NOBODY CARRIES THEIR DRINK THAT LOW!
5. The Spiller
The spiller has guts! He buys a drink and purposely spills it on himself on the stained part of his pants (pretending to be an accident). It does the trick in some clubs, but if they have the black light, you can still tell. Either way, I think the dancers know what you’re doing.
6. The leaver
This guy, damn near runs out the club like it was on fire after he bust. He hides behind chairs, tables and bar stools until he makes it to the exit. Running out of there like OJ in an airport, or George Castanza in an apt fire.
I don’t know the best way to handle it, but that’s just some of the ways I’ve seen others handle it. So if you are the “sensitive” type, you might want to unload before you come to the club. Take care and take heed.
sneeks
1. The Proud Buster aka Mr. Gotel
He feels as though he has gotten his monies worth when he bust. He proudly displays the stain as if he has gotten over on the club. Then Go tells everyone he knows Like, “don’t tell anyone but I busted” or “look at me, Im satisfied and can go home now!”
2. The Lean with it Rock with it
This customer leans over when he walks after the bust. He leans in order to have his untucked shirt cover the stain. Usually you’ll look at him and think he has a back problem, until you realize he has jiz juice on his pants
3. The Pocketer
This person puts their hands in their pockets while they walk hoping to scrunch the stain out of existence. The problem is, you look like an 8 year old kid trying to hold his piss in, plus it just doesn’t work. You end up looking like rainman with a stain man.
4. The Cover up
This guy buys a drink and carries it in front of the stain for the rest of the night. Good in theory, but in reality NOBODY CARRIES THEIR DRINK THAT LOW!
5. The Spiller
The spiller has guts! He buys a drink and purposely spills it on himself on the stained part of his pants (pretending to be an accident). It does the trick in some clubs, but if they have the black light, you can still tell. Either way, I think the dancers know what you’re doing.
6. The leaver
This guy, damn near runs out the club like it was on fire after he bust. He hides behind chairs, tables and bar stools until he makes it to the exit. Running out of there like OJ in an airport, or George Castanza in an apt fire.
I don’t know the best way to handle it, but that’s just some of the ways I’ve seen others handle it. So if you are the “sensitive” type, you might want to unload before you come to the club. Take care and take heed.
sneeks
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Bouncer Rules Vol. 1
These are things I’ve seen people (friends or strangers) do in order to get kicked out of strip clubs. These stories may be expanded in the future. For now, they are part of the Bouncer Rules Vol. 1. This is just a list of five, in no particular order.
1.
DON’T ATTEMPT TO STICK ANYTHING IN A DANCER- This includes fingers and chicken bones. Yes, chicken bones. I was once at a strip club in Flint, Mi. where I saw a man try to stick a chicken bone in a stripper from behind. First she thought it was a finger and got pissed…….but when she realized it was a chicken bone she tried to kill the man.
2.
SNEEZE ON A STRIPPER- Yeah, I saw a guy get a lapdance and sneeze boogers on the strippers back. He got tossed. She on the other hand couldn’t get a guy to buy a lapdance from her for the rest of the night.
3.
DO NOT THROW COINS - Quarters, nickels, dimes, half dollars or pennies. Do not throw coins! It’s an automatic quick toss. Plus, coins hurt strippers! They can get hit in the eye or worse, slip on a coin with their clear heels and fall on their titty. Nobody wants to see a bruised titty. Please tip dollars, not coins. (Canada loony stories to come)
4.
DO NOT WAD UP MONEY THEN THROW IT- As harmless as it may seem, sometimes dancers feel degraded by that. Plus, dancers go to the club to dance for tips, not play dodge ball from them.
5.
WHIP YOUR JUNK OUT- This is an automatic ass kicking (unless it was advised by said stripper in private area of club). This is how people get the title of “pervert”. That’s the last title you want to have if you are trying to keep a job.
These are just the first five to come to mind, may be a Vol. 2 later. Take care and take heed.
Sneeks
1.
DON’T ATTEMPT TO STICK ANYTHING IN A DANCER- This includes fingers and chicken bones. Yes, chicken bones. I was once at a strip club in Flint, Mi. where I saw a man try to stick a chicken bone in a stripper from behind. First she thought it was a finger and got pissed…….but when she realized it was a chicken bone she tried to kill the man.
2.
SNEEZE ON A STRIPPER- Yeah, I saw a guy get a lapdance and sneeze boogers on the strippers back. He got tossed. She on the other hand couldn’t get a guy to buy a lapdance from her for the rest of the night.
3.
DO NOT THROW COINS - Quarters, nickels, dimes, half dollars or pennies. Do not throw coins! It’s an automatic quick toss. Plus, coins hurt strippers! They can get hit in the eye or worse, slip on a coin with their clear heels and fall on their titty. Nobody wants to see a bruised titty. Please tip dollars, not coins. (Canada loony stories to come)
4.
DO NOT WAD UP MONEY THEN THROW IT- As harmless as it may seem, sometimes dancers feel degraded by that. Plus, dancers go to the club to dance for tips, not play dodge ball from them.
5.
WHIP YOUR JUNK OUT- This is an automatic ass kicking (unless it was advised by said stripper in private area of club). This is how people get the title of “pervert”. That’s the last title you want to have if you are trying to keep a job.
These are just the first five to come to mind, may be a Vol. 2 later. Take care and take heed.
Sneeks
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